I feel accomplished. Heroes Season 1 Finale Recaps!

You guys, I was so inspired by ack_attack's LOST recaps, that I just had to make one for Heroes. And it took me forever, you guys. There were tears. There was sobbing. There was much yelling at LJ and Photobucket. There was some interpretive dancing, I'm not gonna lie. Screencaps are from Striped Wall.

Anyway, so I recapped the finale! It has pictures! Basically, it's a gigantic picspam with commentary that's meant to be somewhat humorous. And spoilery. And will systematically tear apart your dial-up.

So, uh, pimp this if you think it's worth it, mmkay?


Okay, so the finale starts out with Niki and DL being all, "REUNITED AND IT FEELS SO GOOD!!"


But then Linderman pops up and he's like, *obnoxious British accent* "Well, hello there, chaps. Let's sit and have a spot of tea, shall we? Oh, wait, no, I fancy I'll shoot you both."


But then DL's like, BRAIN PUNCH! and half of us are like, EWWWWWWWWW! and the other half is like, AWESOME!


So then Matt's walking around like, "HAR HAR! I R V. SNEAKII!" and Eric Roberts is like, "HAR HAR! I R SNEAKIERR!"


And Eric Roberts is like, "I was in a Mariah Carey music video! AND the "Mr. Brightside" video! That song is overplayed and my name shall be forever attached to it!"


But then Bennett's like, "PWN'D!" and we were all *flail* OMG HRG YOU ARE SO HXC.


So they get into Molly's room, and Matt's like, "SLEEPY TIME!" because he is waaaaaaay hung-over.


And Mohinder's like, "MY FATHER! MY RESEARCH!" Oh, wait, never mind. Actually, he's like, "MAHHH BABY!!!"


So Bennett has his gun pointed at Molly, and Mohinder has his gun pointed at Bennett and we were like, OMG THE TENSION IS KILLING ME.


And Molly's just like, "Hello, I am adorable and crying only emphasizes this!" and we nodded because it's true.


So Bennett decides that he wants to point his gun at Mohinder and we all agreed that omg, Bennett and Mohinder were like, the best dads ever.


But then Matt wakes up and he's like, "DUDES, that party last night was CRAZAYYY! I don't remember a thing! Wait... why are my pants around my ankles?? BENNETT."


And Sendhil Ramamurthy's like, "This is a facial stretch they teach you in acting school!" and all the Indians were like, YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO OUR RACE.


Meanwhile, Hiro's chattin' it up with his dad and he's talking about Ando and how great Ando is at bowling and the cute little face Ando makes when he comes and how Ando's totally going to get his head sliced off by Sylar and we were like, There are other Japanese actors besides George Takei, right?


So Sylar's painting and emoting and shit, but we're too busy freaking out about how ISAAC'S BODY IS STILL THERE, IN THE APARTMENT, ROTTING AND BEING GENERALLY INFECTIOUS.


Mmkay, so Niki's like, "My roof's broken!" and DL's like, "I can fix that." and Niki's like, "My door's broken!" and DL's like, "I can fix that." and Niki's like, "My window's broken!" and DL's like, "I can fix that."


But then Niki's all sad and shit and DL's like, "I can fix that." and we were like, fhdusoah feiah jdfskahlfdjks


And Mohinder and Bennett bond over corpse dragging! And they discuss their adopted daughters!


So Claire is with Peter in some dark, secluded place, when Claire's phone rings, and she's like, "DAAAAAAAAAAAD! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DON'T TRUST ME! THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING! HE'S GOING TO THINK I'M SUCH A LOSER!"


And Bennet's just like, "I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL FUCKING CUT THAT MOTHERFUCKING PIECE OF SHIT IF HE EVEN FUCKING TOUCHES YOU!!!"


So Peter's thinking, I wonder where she buys her shampoo...


And then he grabs Claire's phone and he's like, "Girlfriend, this phone is KIYUTE! I am yoinking this like WOAH."


But Nathan pops up and he's like, "Sex. Now."


And Peter's like, "Now? Um, okay, gimme a second."


And Claire's like, "PETER! I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS! WE ARE ON DATE! WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO RUIN THIS FOR MEEEEE?"


But Peter's like, "Um, I like boys, sry2say. Call me when you cultivate a penis, 'kay?" And we needed Peter Petrelli and Sam Winchester to have a bitchface-off RIGHT THEN AND THERE.


Unfortunately for us, rather than ripping off their clothes like two frat boys, the Petrellis settled on staring at each other lustfully.


But then there was touching! And we were torn between HOORAY! and COOOOOME OOOOOOOOOOON.


But Claire's like, "EVERYTHING IS RUINED!!! WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO MEEE??" and we were like, LOLOLZ Claire looks like a flight attendant.


And then Peter's like, "Bitch stole back her phone!" and runs after her, while Nathan continues to stare lustfully.


So Peter gets outside, and his hands get all glowy and shit, and we're just like, STOP DOING THAT AT INOPPORTUNE MOMENTS.


So then Peter took a moment to get a blowjob from Nathan/Mohinder/Sylar/Claude/whoever. And we were like, PETER THERE ARE CHILDREN HERE. And 473829715834719 blowjob macros were made.


And then Peter's like, "SLEEPY TIME!"


And Molly's like, "SLEEPY TIME!" and Matt's like, "Hey, Bennett. Now that the kid's asleep, did you wanna go somewhere quiet and, uh, y'know?"


And Mohinder felt left out because Sylar wasn't there, so he was like, "My... father... my... research...?"


However, Molly woke up right then, and Matt was like, "D'you wanna see how far up my face my eyebrows can go?"


And Molly was like, "The capital of Alabama is Montgomery... the capital of Michigan is Lansing... the capital of Minnesota is Saint Paul..."


So then Claire's phone rings and Mama Petrelli's like, "YOUNG LADY. We do not allow cell phones on campus." and promptly confiscates it.


And Bennett's on the line like, "TELL THAT MOTHERFUCKING ITALIAN THAT I'M GONNA FUCKING RIP HIS MEATBALLS OFF HIS FUCKING SPAGHETTI AND THROW THEM IN A MOTHERFUCKING BLENDER!!! KAPISCHE??"


But Mama Petrelli's like, "Ahem... hello, Mr. Bennett. Uh, what are you wearing right now?"


When Claire finally gets the phone, she's all, "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU, MY BIO DAD, AND MY GRANDMOTHER ARE ALL RUINING MY DATE WITH PETER!! IS MR. MUGGLES IN ON THIS, TOO??"


So Peter wakes up, and Milo Ventimiglia takes this moment to glare at his hair, and we're like, jeez, Milo, it's just hair! Chill out!


Then he gets up, and we're like, WTF GREENHOUSE??


So then these three handsome people walk in, and we're like, OMGWTF.


And Peter's like, WTF. And we took this moment to laugh at his hair because, well, he's worth it.


So dream!Peter's shaking Simone's hand, and he's thinking, Maybe if I sleep with her, I can borrow that top... or raid her dresser in the middle of the night. Either way.


So Peter's all emo against the greenhouse, and we're like, OMG HIS HAIR FLIPS OUT IN THE BACK. WTF, BACKWARDS MALE FARRAH FAWCETT.


And Peter's all, "I'm hiding!" and Mama Petrelli's all, "One lump or two?" and as much as we loved the Petrellis, we had to admit that they are ace at douchebaggery.


So Charles is like, "And then I said, that's not a giraffe! That's my recently deceased wife! HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA!"


When Mama Petrelli gets up to leave, she's like, "Oh, btw, I like Nathan the best!" and Peter's like, *wibble* "...Mom?"


So then Charles is like, "Hello there, Peter." and we were like, WTFUCK IS GOING OOOOOOON.


Meanwhile, Ando's walking around Isaac's apartment like, "HI I AM ANDO AND I'M GOING TO KILL SYLAR." and we were like, ANDO SHUT UP BEFORE HE KILLS YOU.


And Sylar does find Ando. And greets him with some friendly buttsex.


So Sylar pins Ando to the wall and casually picks up a comic book, and he's like, "SWEET! SPIDERMAN'S MY FAVORITE!"


And he's like, "DOES THIS LOOK LIKE ME??" and we were like, Baby, that is NOT a righteous groove.


So Hiro pops up, and we're like, \o/! And Hiro's like, "GET. OFF. MY. BOYFRIEND."


So then we were totally amused by the fact that Sylar was standing next to a picture of himself, and also, we fell in love with Sylar's stylist for picking that outfit. KILLER THREADS!


So then Ando says some really heartfelt, selfless, douchbaggy stuff, and we were like, AWWWW.


And Ando's like, "Verily I say unto you, All sins shall be forgiven unto the sons of men, and blasphemies wherewith soever they shall blaspheme: But he that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost hath never forgiveness, but is in danger of eternal damnation." and we were like, LOL Jesus.


Meanwhile, Niki's running around like a chicken with its head lopped off, and she runs into a room and she's like, *GASP* "'Tis thou, Jessica!" and we were like, *facepalm* CLEARLY, that is Candace.


So Micah's on the floor like, "SLEEPY TIME!" and we were like, CHRIST, DOES ANYONE STAY AWAKE FOR THIS??


So then Niki's all like, "BOOHOO MAH BABYYYYY!" and we were like, We can see down Jessica!Candace's shirt! YUSSSS.


And Nathan's reminiscing about that time he and Peter snuck off for a quickie during Nathan's honeymoon, and we agreed that Heroes was the gayest show ever.


And Claire's like, "I HATE MY LIFE!! YOU GUYS RUINED EVERYTHING! AND, TO TOP IT ALL OFF, MY MASCARA IS ALL CLUMPY AND GROSS! CAN'T I EVER FIND AN EFFING GOOD MASCARA??" and we were like, "OMG IT IS SO HARD TO FIND GOOD MASCARA!"


And then Claire's like, "I HATE YOU ALL! AND, ALSO, WHEN THE WIND BLOWS, MY BEAUTIFUL FLAXEN HAIR GETS STUCK TO MY LIPGLOSS! IT SUCKS BALLS!!" and we were like, "NO WAI! I HATE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS!"


And then she's like, "AND I DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH THIS INCEST THING UNLESS IT'S PETER! PEEEEEEETEEEEEEEEEEER!"


So after a couple hours of whining, she's like, "WAAAAAAH! I HATE MY LIFE! I WANT TO DIE!!" and promptly jumps out the window.


And Nathan, Mama Petrelli, and we were like, "..............................."


But then, all of us were like, "CLAIRE! YOU CAN REGENERATE, REMEMBER??" and she's like, "WHAT?? NOW I CAN'T EVEN KILL MYSELF IN A FIT OF TEENAGE ANGST?? I HATE THIS! I HATE YOU!"


And for the 4512545th time this season, Claire runs off, crying.


So Niki's getting her ass beat my Jessica!Candace, and we're just like, GET OFF THE GODDAMN FLOOR AND KICK HER ASS, STUPIDFACE.


And Niki just happens to glance down at some conveniently placed glass, and Jessica's there like, "UM, BETCH, I AM STILL HERE." and we were like, OH MY JESUS FINALLY.


So Candace gets her ass kicked, and we were like, WTF WHY IS SHE NOT AN OVERWEIGHT THIRTEEN-YEAR-OLD BOY WITH ZITS. And we were really effing upset.


So Micah and Niki are reunited for the 54245th time this season, and we're like, WAAAAAAAAAAAALT!!! ...uh, I mean MICAAAAAAAAAAAH!


So Mohinder and Molly are playing hide and seek, and then these people popped up who were like, "MOLLY/MOHINDER OTP!" and we were like, OH SHIT, STRIKETHROUGH '07 STRIKES BACK! and ran away because, well, ew.


And they turn the corner, where DL just HAPPENS to be all sad and bleedy, and Mohinder's like, "DON'T LOOK! SHIELD YOUR EYES!" because it's not like she's seen her parents brutally murdered or anything.


And then Molly's like, "YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DADDY!" and we were like, ;_____________; but not really because I just made that shit up. But when it happens, and it will, since those moments are cliched and inevitable, we WILL be like, ;__________;. And Mohinder will be sad and we will be sad.


FIN.


Part 2 will be coming if I'm bored next week and enough people are interested, 'kay?

Also, the comment page isn't going to be all pretty, because the layout makes some things difficult to post. Like this post. And commenting should be easier.

ETA: ARE YOU KIDDING ME. Okay, so look at this. Pictures of Masi Oka at the Rataouille premiere. In Hollywood. Yes, yes, that's really close to me, but that's not my point.

I WAS THERE.

WELL, ALMOST. WE LEFT AT AROUND SIX O' CLOCK AND WE SAW EVERYTHING BEING SET UP AND STUFF. AND I WANTED TO STICK AROUND TO SEE WHO WOULD SHOW UP, BUT LES PARENTS WERE LIKE, "NO." IF WE HAD STUCK AROUND FOR ANOTHER HOUR OR SO, I WOULD'VE TOTALLY SEEN HIM.

*LE SIGH*

...AND THIS IS AFTER ALMOST GETTING TO SEE MERYL STREEP LAST SUMMER. THIS IS SO LAME, YOU GUYS.